19. When I go fishing at my favorite pond, I always use my trusty line, hook, and bait. The same fishing tactical I've used for years. I like the feel and durability of it. I know what works. Anyways, I always sit at the same spot and once I'm set, I really let my line go. It goes out pretty far and makes a splash so far out I have trouble seeing where it went. My methods work because I pull 'em in, one after another. All day long and I'm not ever tired. I love fishing, easiest way to get a meal.
Q. While it's been said a hundred times, and one more time won't hurt, a day in the shade, makes the sun go away. I find it gravely annoying that every grave is given flowers and a pleasant arrangement just around important holidays. But what is lacking with every flowery grave site is the full story. Dates are like skipping stones.
18. A great deal of intimidation begins at home with magnificent decor, tight controls, and an overdose of Latin or what might as well be. The result can be the same, the resolve just as aggressive, and the silencing power sublime. What are the differences between Monsters and monsters? It is quite elementary. One abuses honorably justified systems which are internationally recognized and are given a great deal of material-support. All too often, they are conducted surreptitiously and others are heavily censored; they have been more effective causing opposition to simply vanish into thin air. Many of the most popular Monsters are hypocrites and should be ashamed of their spiteful pursuits of noble ideals. While not every Monster is a monster, let us clear up the dismissed fact, not every monster would become a Monster.
17. It's been confirmed two smirks are valued more than a billion active smiles.
16BE. The rapid Processes of Elimination are in full swing. What a static. A smarter planet, my ass. We'll be stinking simpletons before we even know it. Someday, we'll all be standing in lines for overhyped devices and, perhaps, a few of us will snicker over old Huxley. Boy, did he get things wrong, a few of us will say. There was no need for mind control when everyone's so content to stand in lines.
15. Folks, the revolting stench from our rivers has become the new norm and while I like a strong knockout punch from time to time, the great reality is that flying purple-pink dinosaurs should've long been extinct and I'm tired of being chased by them.
14. Everyone and their dog belongs to, or sits on, or attends some kind of committee which - I swear to molasses, if my neighbor doesn't put that clothesline down for good, I'll report him again. He's a real troublemarker, my neighbor. He's the type of guy who can't tell a shade of banged red from virgin pink. Believe me, I brought that up at the last committee meeting. Forced him to repaint his ugly house. I'm going to be watching him like a hawk from now on.
d11. Far too many morons are regurgitating old ideas with new names, names that are more advertisable, and slapping new glossy covers on them. It's bad enough they're doing that, but they're receiving all sorts of ridiculous acclaim for these rediscoveries. The back cover disgusts me. I mean, I rip it off whenever I get a chance. I can't stand it. I guess everyone wants their back scratched, too. So pretty soon everyone is just repeating everyone else. There just isn't enough high life to go around and today's writers are such a terribly lazy, ignorant bunch. I especially get a kick out of those proud morons who lay claim to over fifty valleys.
11. To avoid being a chat, I'll keep this one simple. There are two things that forever must be outlawed: hard drugs and capri pants, which I realize are two problems of the same crooked fold.
10r. It is often said by random machines that a flower can cheer up almost anyone. I couldn't've said it better. Then I get sad again because my printer is always out of juice and, oh, sixlets, it's not like you can smell it, anyways.
9. Noble Silence. You've probably never heard of it. I made it up just now. But I bring it up to make a point. The slightly lunatic bunch of desperate, out-of-work stage performers who think every floor is their stage and every person an audience really ought to be mindful that the quiet air and tiny space between us all are no excuses to start spouting their utter nonsense. Talking might very well be the disease that everyone has heard but didn't even know existed.
TP. I nearly died laughing after I heard one cheeseball say, "...bullying and intimidation are not acceptable ways to conduct foreign policy in the 21st century." That was rich. Then a few years later, a big ole liar added his own spin to things and said, "...that war is sometimes necessary, and war is at some level an expression of human feelings." The latter was gifted some now meaningless prize. What a bunch of princes. I laughed for them because when you're that off from reality it's really sorta sad.
8. I've never seen more fruitloops in my life. That's not to say I haven't had my fair share of hearty breakfasts before. Boy, let me tell ya, five or six bowls of the stuff will make anyone a really cranky devil. But when I watched all those efforts to prolong The Big Head's sickness after his wobbly rule and all, I mean, what else would you call the followers of that true faith that promises the perfect getaway, and yet every fruitloop is scared as hell to let go of this world. What a racket.
E. I hate it when farmers disseminate their mustard seeds into anything that can pee on its own and comes expecting a smaller bureaucracy to take care of all the little affairs that arise when they've planted so much and more than necessary. What a static. They treat 'em like barnyard animals. But those farmers got them rights and them guns and that inane Mandate or so they think and, actually, they aren't even farmers.
7. Ladies and gentlemen, come quickly. Don't be left out. Reserve your place: the Great Static Exhibit is filling up fast, folks. Coming to a town near you. Reserve your spot or be sorry. C'mon folks, don't be shy. Oh, I like that energy from that guy - knocked down three orphans to get here. Quickly now, you hear. Limited availability. Reserve now.
6. The age without new shores. Oh, there's a great deal of hype about introspection, and they'll clear a single path into that, too, but there seems to me a real dread about addressing the world's external limits. A real nightmare for those sick and tired of the same old spices. They don't even make us sneeze anymore and that was so cute back then. Where are we going to get new spices? Clearly, not anywhere close-close.
5. Old Newty, I'm told, ended up being a virgin all his life. After I quickly jotted down that most excellent factoid in my school notebook, I added, What's going to be my excuse? While old Newty may have had grand reasons to the why, let us less inspirational folks not load down impressionables the great horrors of something that is quite natural and a great deal of fun. Upon disclosing the more finer details of this wobbly age, it must be confessed, there are a huge number of mustard seeds being planted and produced. It just makes you sad knowing even a genius like old Newty believed in elaborate wigs and divine tweaks. I bet old Newty would've been a swell dentist. He looks like a guy that likes cheerful choppers.
4. When the film ended and the big screen went black, almost everyone was shocked it all ended in such ambiguity.
3a. 'Cause a girl's gotta check things out. Headstand. Just make sure you've gotta tunning fork with ya. Changes everything.
3. Most kids, nowadays, are real lemons. A superfluous whiny bunch. Not a hero among them, to tell you the truth. Granted, I'll be the first to acknowledge they take the physical shapes of watermelons or pears, but personality wise, they're sour lemons. Taken as a whole, they're wonderful little nihilists. While just as irritating, a few of the more foul type are so unabashedly analytical about everything, they really know how to ruin a party. They constantly poke at things they shouldn't and they touch everything with their sticky little fingers. It's so nauseating watching all this happen. They really do have a knack at damn near ruining what's best of Being.
2.16. The only forest I see is where clubs and martinis mix and birds are something scored.
2. Let me indulge my senses for a moment and be the first to note a great discovery of mine. On my frequent short walks, I have observed that nothing grows on stone, or glass, or, for that matter, even iron. It's truly amazing to me that I would be the first to reach such a cursory observation. And yet everywhere I look, everywhere I stand, I am surrounded by these stubborn materials. This advancement to Life is quite remarkable.
1. Past the discolored curtains that no longer sway, through the grimy screen with the million tiny squares, and a millimeter further beyond the cruddy window bars, lies a world, astonishingly, so few recognize. Behold, the greatest modern museum! Look how it's all maintained. Such beauty is hard to describe, but that doesn't prevent analysts dry attempts. So much of everything has become preserved, regulated, censored, chained and fenced off from the public. The great artists have long left. A straight path has been provided and, though, admission is high, the Great Cicerone will ensure risks will be kept at a minimum.
0. As a desperate man I began my search for gold under the Par 5. After six days of impatient searching, I found nothing. A great hate for all things grew inside me. Nothing pleased me, except, of course, for my ambrosial vegan brownie. It didn't last. I had foolishly thought early in my life that I was special, in some way unique. Oh, what delusions. Oh, what terrible miseries fell upon me. My knees and palms were soon caked in mud. I could barely stand on my own. So parched and hungry and growing ever more frightful was I. Yet, for some reason, some madness I know not, I pushed on. On the seventh day I worked harder than ever before. I dug everywhere and I left no stone untouched. At the end of my long day, I fell to my knees and cried out up to the heavens. As I looked up in search for pity, a most beautiful garden suddenly appeared before me and in the middle of that glorious garden there was a strange and mysterious stone. With my last bit of strength, I pulled all my sorrows and all my hopes over to the enchanting stone. With great pain, I picked up the magnificent stone and held it in my left hand. Instantly, a shrill little cry came out of me - a peep! I smiled and turned a little red. Very soon, though, I was overwhelmed with new thoughts and joys. I named my stone: peep-stone. And with my peep-stone in my left hand an incredible surge of strength and confidence filled my entire body. For the next forty days and forty nights I searched many courses in search for gold. It took one more long, industrious day for my dreams to finally come true!
It was a beautiful day. I'll try to describe it. As heaven's golden eye magnificently crowned me with her golden rays, about noon I'd say, my peep-stone led me to a series of gold plates buried near a weeping willow. Upon further inspection I noticed on each golden plate there were marvelous and strange writings. I jumped up in joy! A split second later, a spectacular flash of pure white light stunned me. And it came to pass I finally came to and beheld a glorious angel who floated like a crisp cloud in front of me. I flinched and prayed and tried to touch it. And it came to pass the glorious angel spoke thus to me, "You must translate the writings from these precious gold plates into beautiful peaks and sallies and put them online every day or so on the website unvmesir.com. Your website will be prosperous and flow like milk and honey. New writings will appear so your milk won't stink to high heaven. The perfect insight and wisdom from each entry will keep visitors coming to your website forever and ever. No, stop shaking your head at me. Go forth and convert. This is all." And so this is my story.
And so it came to pass that I did what I was told many years later from that most perfect sacrosanct day. The marvelous entries I share are translations from the gold plates I found with my magical peep-stone. I have sworn to secrecy about revealing anything else. The gold plates are in my possession and only a few crusty older gents have seen them. They, too, have sworn to secrecy about all other details.
-1. Upon disclosing to the world my greatest strength and secret to success, please forgive my hesitations and please ignore me as I shuffle my feet a bit. To everyone who is here today, this moment signifies a new low, which is a terrific thing. Now...pardon me...now the time has come to disclose what I call dynamic diffidence. Yes, dynamic diffidence. Dynamic diffidence is an acknowledgment of your complete inferiority to all others. You should have less confidence in yourself in the spotlight than pests like church mice and cochroaches. You should even feel inferior to the orange goo inside office microwaves. At the very least you should feel neglected and abused. No one should ever seek your input for any reason and you should have none to give if they ever do. Let not a peep, greeting, or any kind of sound eke out of you. That is the goal and as I see most here will have no problem reaching this goal. What are you waiting for? Excuse me for that, a little diffidence humor. Moving on. Dynamic diffidence has been called by many of the top titans of business as "revolutionary," - that was from a dead cousin of mine, "500 feet!," "just what we need more dynamic crap," "who the hell are you," and "get out of my office". Dynamic diffidence challenges many misconceptions that workers face everyday. The facts are no one cares how long it's been since the gumballs in the gumball machine were last replaced or why we can't use an envelope moistener tube to kiss the boss's ass which is much more sanitary. These, my shy friends, are exactly why you need to adopt the dynamic diffidence program. Stop wasting your life - become dynamic in something. What is dynamic diffidence comprised of? Well, if you must know. Dynamic diffidence is comprised of three important steps each designed to maximize the neglected wimp living inside each of you. The first step is immersion. The second step is coordinated coughing fatigue which will slowly destroy your vocal cords and essentially make you a mute. The third step is halitosis. This last step is simply a last resort because you really shouldn't ever open your mouth for anything, not even for pale gumballs. Now that you know a little about dynamic diffidence, I hope you will find somewhere the courage to sign-up for my $2,000 program and be sure to write the check out for yours truly.
-2. When a lizard crawled out of the water fountain it made a S dash to the cotton candy vendor's cart and asked the guy working it, "Are you going to play nice or am I going to have to get prehistoric on your monkey ass?" Luckily, the cotton candy guy was pretty placid about the whole thing, perhaps, a bit high on life, so the guy just shrugged his shoulders and instantly wove a delicious stick of pink stuff and handed it over without charge, thus, ensuring the great balance between man and dinosaur would endure another million platypus years. Let it be known throughout the land that if you happen to cross such a hostile, but overall good hearted lizard, please don't fuck it up for all of humanity. Just give the little belicose bitch what he wants so we can keep the peace.
-2.65. I shall title it, Train
My hope has always been reconciliation.
But, alas, we must part.
My heart is erupting and I'm about to burst.
Fairwell, my sweet, loveable darling.
Go and think no more of me.
I will think for the both of us.
And please do not test my heart again.
Do not write me for I will be crushed.
For it pains me way too much.
To have and be haved.
Let us go our separate ways.
And if we meet once more.
By some Greek accident.
Let us remember for my sake.
My frail palpitating heart.
It will no doubt give out.
Death from love and you must mourn me.
For the rest of your life, darling.
That is all I ever really wanted.
Goodbye and good luck, sweet.
The whistles, oh, darling, you must play them at my funeral.
-3A. A friend of mine noticed me and then gestured with his face and eyes that something on my face was out of whack. He circled his own face with one of his fingers, round and round repeatedly, and said as he gestured, "Kids with mallets? Kids? With Mallets?" I replied looking very solemnly, "KGB. And they think you need Jesus, too."
-4. So little is known about Ms. Goodfoot that I have taken a personal interest in the matter. Ah, it's a shame she doesn't answer her door or any of my persistent phone calls; she's a mad woman, all right. A real shame she grew up with such cold manners. I dare say she's one of those silent types which I for one would like to see banished from this wonderful community. Here at Lakeside, we have an image to maintain and values to uphold.
-6j. When the winter storm tore off the mushroom top from its stem, all the little bunnies inside cried out for help. Their poor parents had got stuck out in the storm and were far away inside a hollow tree trunk. They had no idea what was going on. Anyways, a very hungry fox happened to be near, near enough to hear the frighened bunnies cries and whimpers. The desperate fox licked his chapped chops and said to himself, "I bet if I put their mushroom back, the little rabbits will allow me rest and spot me something warm to eat. I do think that might work." And so, indeed, soon enough the parents were reunited with their little ones and the fox saved the bunnies from frostbite and the fox was so happy over the generosity he received that frosty night that he vowed to protect the bunnies as if they were his own young. The end.
M7m. I know I'm doing it right when their hands go to their foreheads.
-L. Simply put, the snake died after falling out of this large tree up over on that hill and it landed pretty hard, so it really couldn't move too much or nothin' and because it was hungry and couldn't move and all, it slowly consumed itself till it died, all by its lonesome self, which is pretty sad, to tell ya the truth because snake, or no snake, nothin' ought to die alone, except this poor fella did die alone and in such a painful way, I mean, shucks, what's a snake doin' all the way up in a tree for anyways? Well, that's the gist of it. Maybe, we'll never know why, and maybe, it's just not our place to know. Anyways, may I go and feed the grizzlies?
-8ou. The hard candy piece hit the tall dufus sitting in the front row of the movie theater. I mean, it really nailed him, right behind his head. He jerked up and gave this real damn stern look back, but because my friends and I had ducked and it was dark as hell, the guy didn't see shit and, after a minute, he finally sat back down. He kept looking over his shoulder every few minutes, though. The guy was seriously on edge. So, half way through the movie, right, my friends and I got bored as hell, so, we all stood up and went down to over where the dufus guy was and apologized. Boy, did he let us have it. Then this movie chick threw us all out for disturbing the "atmosphere" and all. The guy really flipped out and tried to defend himself, but eventually he was tossed out, too. A couple days later my friend and I jumped up and down pointing and shouting, "That's the guy! Slap me silly, that's the guy!" We were pointing and shouting at the guy's ugly mug shot on tv. The bastard was accused of burning down the town's only movie theater. They found him totally wasted with an empty gas tank nearby and a bunch of matches in his pockets. I sat back down after all the excitement had blown over and I said while sort of chuckling, "It's a small world after all." My friend agreed. Then we got bored and went to see the same movie at a theater two towns over.
-9. Homemade Jelly
let us feed the hands
with jelly
fish the stock room
found nothing but grape
disgusting, vile odor
makes the children cough
no matter
tomorrow looks like rain
jelly filled bellies
make me laugh
I made them smile
we're truly blessed
no more worries
no, no worries
-10.25. These gerbils were exhausted from doing sprint runs of the play Hamlet. So tired, they clumped together as gerbils so cutely do, and they whispered each telling the other, "Don't worry friend." "Don't worry friend." "Don't worry friend." "Don't worry friend." "Don't worry friend." This as they closed their eyes and fell asleep. "Don't worry friend." End Scene.
-11q. In a distant realm, there lived a queen who ruled her sovereignty with lightning force. Then one day, while the queen was playing four-square with three of her most trusted soldiers, she quite suddenly burst into high laughter and had such a fit that the soldiers became very scared she might never recover.
I literally ran into God yesterday. Man, was old God sore about something. We were both in the history section of a local bookstore and I could tell God was sore. I felt I had to say something, you know, to justify it all, and this is what I said to God, "You should've made men get pregnant, too." God, did we laugh and nearly an hour later, we shook hands and parted ways. -12.sa
-13. I once knew this swell gardener. He went around planting weeping willows seeds all over town and places far and wide. When he died, he rose again, three days later. I still come to sit under him and with every passing weeping willow, I smile.
-1s5. Edward Blewer blew a kiss and gave a confident wink to his partner across a crowded small table. He slid in and said to her, "I've got this." Edward grabbed his partner's hand and held it tight. The county judge, a rather big guy even for county fair standards, waddled behind Edward, and with a big microphone in hand, the judge said in an energetic high voice, "Well, ladies and gentlemen, it comes down to what this guy says to his lovely gal. Sir, when you're ready. Twenty seconds." Edward Blewer took a deep breath, gave everyone a dazzling smile, and nodded to the judge to start the timer. Edward began, "The love I feel for you is so natural to me, so intimately linked to my own existence, it is like the blood that flows through my veins. I never want to see you suffer and you never will with me. Forever and ever." Edward beamed with shining confidence. He thought he had said everything right to win the contest, but when he looked up after feeling the sudden cold chill of the stunned crowd, he felt very uneasy. He looked up at the judge who's eyes were severe and rigid. Then the county judge moved the microphone up to his lips and said rather gravely, "I'm sorry folks. I had no idea anyone still thought this way. My goodness, son, look at what you've done. This wonderful lady...this gal desires so much better. Son, get out. Get out and don't ever come back." Edward Blewer looked over at his partner who had indeed suffered a great embarrassment. He heard her say to some women, "I thought he'd changed. I really did." Edward didn't know what he had said that was so wrong; it was like he was from a different planet. But now, feeling the violent glares of everyone who stayed around, Edward nervously got up, slowly at first, turned, and started to run away. Luckily, for Edward Blewer's sake, the county judge gave him a minute head start to get out of town before he allowed hunting season to begin, a bit early this year.